A year of doing things

2018. For better or for worse, we have made it through another year, and here we are now. Probably for many, the end of one year and the beginning of a new one always feels full of emotions. Joy and excitement about a blank slate, all possibilities still possible. On the 31st of December and 1st of January, I'm right there with you! I find myself looking back at the past year and further, identifying what I'd like to leave behind, figuring out what I want to continue working on, hopeful for change. However, it seems to be a struggle for me to hold on to that feeling. To keep riding that New Year's wave and actually do the things I want to do.

Over the years, I have somehow, unwillingly, acquired a perpetual state of fear and anxiety. I am afraid to do many things, afraid of failing, afraid of coming across silly, afraid of not doing a perfect job. However, I am also very driven, especially when it comes to work, which are two things through which I sometimes make my life very, very difficult for myself. When I do take a next step, it is generally accompanied by a good amount of anxiety, still being afraid of failing, coming across silly or not doing a perfect job. Add to that, that I have a hard time letting go of the past and enjoy the actual moment, and there you have it. I ended the year looking back at many stressful situations, tears, sleepless nights, anxiety and very little enjoyment. There surely were joyful moments, however, they are hard to remember when one feels so disappointed with the way one has spent another year of an already so short life. I looked back and realized, I really don't want to look back like this anymore. 

The fact is that the majority of my problems are set thoughts and assumptions that continuously occupy my mind. And I have learned that, however hard I try, I just cannot hit a stop- or mute-button on those. But what might work (for me) (I fear), is to just actually do the things I want to do. No longer listening to my worst critic (me!), but to distract myself from that by just doing the things I want to do. Keeping busy. Like finally going out to that new coffee shop on a weekend, try that matcha latte - of which I'm not yet sure what to think of -, or write this post and actually put it out there on the internet, for everyone to see.

So that's what I am going to do. With this blog and anyone who's following along to keep me on the right track, and on the next 31st of December look back with joy and content. I might fall and stumble a few times, but this year I'm actually, just going to do it. 

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